It's been a few weeks since my last update. Not too much has happened with the pregnancy. I had an appointment at 32.5 weeks. We did a quick bedside ultrasound to check for umbilical cord flow, and it looked good.
As we're nearing the end of the pregnancy, a whole new set of feelings have been popping up. We are so happy for Elise to have made it this far, but have heard countless stories of babies with Trisomy 18 making it to full term, only to pass away suddenly and be stillborn. Somehow, that seems even more heart-wrenching, because if we were to deliver her now, she wouldn't be that premature. "Normal" babies do well at this gestation with a little help. So we've been thinking about that.
Also, I am starting to feel some mommy guilt about not having enough prepared for Elise if she does come home. I know that some mommies of babies with a poor prognosis go all out--they set up a very special nursery, wash all the baby clothes, get everything and more ready. That's not me. Matt and I have a few things for Elise. We have the blanket that I made her, some clothes, a Bible to put her foot/hand prints in, a rosary, and a few other little things. We thought it would be easier to run out and buy diapers and whatever else we might need and get the house ready for Elise when the time comes if she is actually able to come home with us. I just don't want to come home to a completely decorated and stocked nursery that we won't get to use. But the nesting instincts are kicking in, and I feel badly at times for not having a special place all ready for her. But you know what? She will be loved, cuddled, and taken care of, and that's all that matters to her! She won't care if her nursery is perfect or if she has 100 different outfits to wear. None of that is actually important. And if we get to bring her home, I'll probably be too busy loving on her to care much either.
Another feeling we've been dealing with lately is the "oh my gosh this is real" feeling. One way or another, we will be meeting our baby in the next 6 weeks! We will be holding her and looking at her and all of the what if's will start to actually play out. It's happy, exciting, and terrifying all at the same time!
So, back to the worries about Elise being stillborn. I understand that if it is God's will, it will happen. However, we would still like to try our best to meet her outside of my belly while she is still alive. This week I have noticed a definite change in Elise's movement patterns. There was a day that I didn't feel her at all until night. Even then, it wasn't much movement. Overall, her movement decreased significantly. Also, times when she is normally active, such as after a meal or at night when I resting, she wasn't moving. I was checking her heart beat on the doppler, and also noticed that at one time, her heart rate decreased to 90-100 beats per minute for probably at least 2 minutes before returning to baseline. I was concerned that something was going on with Elise that maybe we didn't know about yet. So, I called and set up an appointment for this afternoon.
Well, the appointment went great!!! The doctor said that we could choose to induce at any time if we were worried about stillbirth, but we requested to just check up and see how she was doing before making any decisions. He did an ultrasound, and Elise looked wonderful! She has gained weight to the point where she is no longer considered growth restricted. She is measuring in about the 10th percentile. Her estimated weight was 4 lbs 5 oz! She measured an average of only 7 days behind where she should be at this gestation. Also, my polyhydramnios was resolved. My amniotic fluid levels were back within the normal level! She also moved some during the ultrasound, which was great to see. Since Elise actually showed improvement instead of decline, Matt and I were happy to leave the appointment without any further talk of induction.
I feel much better after having that little check up. I think we'll probably aim for weekly appointments now that we're nearing the end. The doctors don't mind, and it really helps us stay positive when we can see for ourselves that Elise is doing just fine! I truly believe that all of the prayers have been working and helping our little Elise grow stronger every day. Thank you all for your continued love, support, and prayers.
This wasn't meant to be a downer post. We're actually doing pretty good. But in writing this blog, I hope to not only share updates with family and friends, but to also show a true picture of what it's like to carry to term a baby with trisomy 18. I don't want to sugar coat the experience, because I shouldn't have to. I want other mommies to know that if they are going through this, it is normal and healthy. I want family members and friends of people going through this to be able to have a glimpse into what their loved one might be feeling. I want to be an honest advocate for babies like Elise. No, this isn't easy. But it's worth every single second.
Isaac (3.5 years old) with his beloved sister, "Baby 'Lise" at 34 weeks!
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!" -Psalm 30:11-12
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!" -Psalm 30:11-12
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