3 years in Heaven

It has been three long years since I last held you in my arms, Elise.  We love you and miss you so very much.

This past year has brought many changes.  We moved back to Kansas.  I quit work to stay home with the kids.  I continued to fight through the grief of losing Elise.  And when I say fight, I mean really fight...not work through, not endure.  This year it was a fight.  Although I had struggled in the past, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from watching Elise die hit me in full force as I stared work in a new NICU.  I was no longer in a safe place with my coworkers in Minnesota who understood what I went through losing Elise, and I ended up leaving that job and going through extensive therapy to get my grip back on life.  I also continued to struggle with guilt over the choices we made for Elise.

At one point, desperate to make some sort of peace within myself, I wrote a post in a parent group on Facebook for people who have lost their children to trisomy.  In my post, I asked for recommendations for books that were helpful to others in their grieving process.  I received many replies,  and promptly hopped on Amazon to order a pile of books about grief.  This happened to be the smartest thing I've done for myself this past year.

At first, I didn't find the help I was seeking.  I started reading two different books that were of no comfort or help.  But the third book I tried was exactly what I'd been needing.  Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Gutherie was written by a woman who has lost not just one, but two children to a genetic disorder.  She uses the Biblical story of Job to travel through her grieving process and guide the reader through theirs.  I won't summarize the whole book, but I will say that if you yourself are struggling or know someone who is struggling and suffering through loss and believes in God, this book is a life saver.

In the Bible, Job is faced with unthinkable amounts of loss, including the loss of all of his children at the same time.  Here is Job's response--

20 Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. 21 He said,
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.” -Job 1:20-21

I have heard this verse so many times.  I have read it and it brought me no comfort.  God gives to us and then takes away?  How awful!  But after reading Nancy's book, this has taken on a whole new meaning.  I came into this world naked and with nothing.  Everything I have been given is from the Lord, and I am not guaranteed or owed anything...even my own children.  And no matter what happens...whether I am given every blessing, or all of them are taken away, God is still good, and He is still there, loving us.  

I have felt much more at peace since reading this book, and have been feeling more thankfulness for Elise than I have been feeling guilt over not saving her (besides the odd day here and there).

Recently, a song has become popular on the Christian music stations that speaks to the truths God has given me this year and even references the Book of Job.

"I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away.
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days.
And I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowest place.
And I have held Your blessings.
God, you give and take away." - Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells

Here is a beautiful acoustic version of the song, if you have time to listen: Hills and Valleys

Thank God that He blessed us with Elise.  He allowed my body to carry her to full term.  He protected her through an induced labor.  He gave us the incredible honor of holding her and looking into her eyes.  We got to feel her tiny fingers grip ours, her sweet head snuggle into our chest, and her delicate breaths upon our skin.  I am so thankful for those moments.  I still miss Elise with every breath.  I'm still gripped by so much grief that it's hard to breathe at times.  But my heart is more frequently resting in the peace and love of God and I am thankful for that as well.

Happy anniversary of your entrance into Heaven Elise!  Enjoy celebrating with Jesus, Mary, and all of the angels and the saints.  We love you and remember you.  You are never forgotten.