Happy 1st Birthday, Elise!

I can't believe that a year has passed since Matt and I first held our sweet daughter in our arms.  With a rush, she came into this world.  Her time here was a whirlwind of hope, despair, love, sleepless nights, sweet finger holds, family, endless medical decisions, and precious snuggles.  And, just as quickly as she entered into our lives, she left us.  And then...the world moved on.  Life kept going, despite us feeling that a huge part of our world had just crumbled.

A whole year has gone by...

This past year I've felt love deeper and richer than I knew was possible.  I've cherished my two (and now three) living children even more than before.  But I've also felt pain and sorrow that is more crushing and vivid than I'd ever imagined.  I've been paralyzed by fear, knowing that our family is not immune to horrible tragedy, and death could take my other children at any time.

This past year, my husband and I have learned to survive.  We survive sometimes only minute by minute, or second by second....knowing that if we just take this one breath, the next will follow, and life will continue on.  And that's okay. 

Life has gone on.  God has worked in His mysterious ways and our little family is expecting another bundle of joy due in the next month.  Isaac and Ainsley continue to grow and fill our hearts with joy on a daily basis.  We've seen all of the seasons and every holiday come and go. 

Through all of this, I still thank God every day for Elise.  If I could travel this whole journey again and again and again, I would ALWAYS choose to carry Elise, give birth to her, and spend four and a half beautiful, bittersweet, life-changing days with her.  She was never a mistake.  She was never a burden.  She was always the daughter (sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin) that God had planned and created especially for our family.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, sweet baby Elise.  We love you so very much.  We will never, ever, ever forget you.

"On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world.

...

...For never before in story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever known a you, my friend,

and it never will, not ever again..."

-Nancy Tillman, On the Night You Were Born