I thought that each passing day would get easier, even just a tiny bit easier, but the truth is that some days it feels like it's getting harder and harder. The full reality of Elise being gone...really gone...has been sinking in. My arms ache to hold my baby. I feel guilty sleeping at night instead of being up feeding my newborn. I worry that I will start to forget how it felt to hold her in my arms, or feel those last breaths upon my cheek. I wonder what more I could have done for her, and try to reassure myself that we made the best decisions that we could at the time, out of complete love for our daughter. I worry endlessly about how I can possibly protect my two living children from ever being taken from me as well.
I'm sure that there are far too many parents out there there who are familiar with this path of grief. A few of them have reached out to me, and for that I am extremely grateful. It helps me to realize that, no matter how lonely it is to grieve a child, my husband and I are not alone in this experience. It also helps validate my feelings and my grief process...that this is all somehow normal and okay. As okay as it can be.
During our time in the hospital, we were blessed to be given the gift of a free photography session by the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org) . I would like to share a sample of some of our favorite photographs.
Thank you so much to everyone who has contacted us to express your sympathy, give a gift, or lend a helping hand. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
